Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
