he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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