I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
