I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
