what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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