I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Boobs speak an international language.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
