cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
