he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
