Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
