Christians are straight up FREAKS
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
