I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
