Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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