he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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