Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
