Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
