Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
