Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
