Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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