I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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