Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
