oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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