you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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