Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
