Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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