Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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