just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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