Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
