me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My liver just had a heart attack.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
