call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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