Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
