..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
false alarm, still single
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
