OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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