I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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