He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
