Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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