I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
