omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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