I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
