Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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