Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
