My liver just broke up with me...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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