my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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