We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
