Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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