The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
