at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
