Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
