This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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