Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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