Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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