you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
