My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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