i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
