alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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