How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
