you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
