you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
