Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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