Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
